Joy & Pain

On Saturday Jan 23rd we went to "The Flakeout Festival" in the Wisconsin Dells.  We went to celebrate Kiki's birthday eve and just enjoy the family being together after Chris' long trip.  The Flakeout Festival promised snow sculptures, ice sculptures, a 7ft tall ice maze, a tubing hill and other varied events.  When we arrived we were all very much disappointed.  This event was not all it was promised, and the rain didn't help what they had.  Chris suffering from jet lag, and Colin with his cynical personality and being a teenager were the most obvious with their disappointment.  I kept telling them to relax, enjoy, don't make this day worse.  So Colin said, "Mom you are disappointed too" "Yes Colin, I am.  If they had just stated clearly what they did have  instead of blowing it out of proportion we could appreciate for what it was instead of lamenting what it isn't.  But I didn't come here for the festival anyway.  I came to spend time with you and dad and all of your siblings, having fun not working and worrying about work.  I don't care what they do or do not have here I am just here to have fun with you.  So would you rather be at home mucking out the barn, which really needs it, or here with all of us?"  He smirked and said "yeah, I guess I'd rather be here."  And that was it.  Kelsy got 1 ear pierced (how else is she going to be different?)  They walked through the maze (with only 1 path) about 6 times, saw the snow sculptures, most of them still looked pretty cool, saw the 1 ice sculpture, and went down the very small tubing hill many times.  It was perfect for Calli, Spencer & Tin.  While we were watching them Colin got bored and started throwing snowballs at Chris.  Chris offered Kiki 25 cents amnesty to protect and avenge him.  And much avenging happened.  Much snow was thrown and whitewashing took place.  At one point Kels was on her back and Colin was sitting on her giving her a white wash, Kels grabbed some snow and shoved it in Colin's face and up his nose.  She will never be kept down!  and the laughing, never has a war been so much fun.

Then we went to the arcade.  They played many games.  Colin and Kiki played Dance Dance Revolution a few times and even had a crowd gathered watching them and their ponesomeness!  Chris & Tin did a ticket winning game and won over 300 tickets with one token. (The gambling addiction begins!)  When Spencer was turning in tickets an adult couple came over and asked him if he wanted their 200 tickets. Spencer, Tin & Calli picked out their prizes including 2 things for the Birthday girl.   Chris went to get the car, and I went with the Spence, Tin & Calli to tube some more.  Through all this Kit was fantastic, and why shouldn't she be? The mama's girl had her mama!

Before we headed home at 8:30pm we had dinner at Famous Dave's.  I really need to learn how to make brisket!  On the way home we listened to an old favorite that was recently rediscovered, Veggietales!  I took a memory snapshot as everyone was singing, no fighting, no complaining, just joy!  Perfect moments are few, the car ride home and most of the day was one of them.

Shortly before we arrived home my dear Father-in law was in Minnesota having a heart attack.  Chris's dad, Bill and his wife, Jean,  were at a movie.  He left the movie, came back and said they needed to leave.  On the way out he had to stop and sit.  He was having a hard time breathing.  He tried to go again, he walked a few feet and had to stop again.  Jean asked if she should call 911.  He let her know she should. when she went to the counter to ask them to call Bill had fallen to the ground.  The emt arrived immediately .  While trying to help him Bill said he had had pains about  1 month ago, which Jean knew about, but at the time neither associated with a heart attack, and again 3 days ago, which Jean did not know about.  Bill had not gone to the Dr because they did not have health insurance and a DR visit is too expensive, as we all know.  Bill was rushed to the hospital where he quickly flatlined.  The drs did everything they could to revive him.  But there was nothing.  My dear father-in-law, the only man I called "dad", a friend and father to my husband, storyteller, lap holder, and grandfather to my children was dead at 64.

We got the call at 2am.  Needless to say Chris & I didn't sleep anymore that night.  On top of it all he died at 12:30am, which means he died on Kiki's birthday.  As it goes almost everyone in our family who has died in the past 15 years has died in January with very few exceptions.  Jean told us we did not need to tell Kiki.  But we knew we could not hide this from her.  Chris & I would be fine and then out of the blue we would tear up or start sobbing.  Our kids are very astute.  They would wonder why we had red eyes, why we were crying, what was going on.  We told Colin and Calli first as they were up first and it allowed us each to hug a kid.  They were predictably devastated.  Calli told us not to tell Kiki.  For all the reasons as before, we told her.  She too was devastated.  Later I told her I hoped we made the right decision to tell her.  Everyone wanted to protect her and everyone wanted her to have a happy birthday, not the worst birthday ever.  She said she wished Grandpa hadn't died, but she would have been mad at me for lying to her.  We all wish grandpa hadn't died.

Chris is glad that his dad went quickly without too much pain.  But he regrets not having his goodbyes.  I asked him what would've been said that hasn't already been said?  Chris & his dad talked alot.  Bill came to the farm about every other month, and we spoke on the phone about every week, not to mention e-mails & facebook.  Bill loved us.  He loved Chris & was so proud of what he has done.  He loved me and would often comment on how amazed he was on everything I was able to accomplish, although he did admonish me about leaving my snowblower out overnight one time.  He was a fantastic grandfather to all of his grandkids who loved him so much.  It was always a holiday when grandpa came.  He loved his wife. He adored his daughter and his son-in-law.  How many parents do you know that love their spouse's mates like their own?  He did.

I'm going to miss Bill so much.  We all will.  I'm going to miss talking to him on the phone or by facebook, always "liking" everything and inquiring about our awol dog Indy.  I'm going to miss his visits. I'm going to miss him getting up early in the morning, making a mess with the coffee and heading outdoors to have a smoke and look in on the farm.  I'm going to miss him relaxing and reading while Chris & I are working, and coming around after the work is done and asking if we need help.  I'm going to miss him bringing beer when he comes, even if it is some god-awful pisswater.  I'm going to miss not being able to call him for advice.  I'm going to miss his hugs and kisses.  I miss him.

If anyone knows the tale of Indy then you know that he does not let us touch him.  He's been getting closer over the past few months, and he's gotten close enough to almost touch.  Bill always was wondering how Indy was doing and if we had made any progress with him.  The morning of Bill's death I went to do animal chores, animals wait for no one or no death. As I walked out all the dogs, including Indy came up to me for a morning greeting, as is normal.   As I walked away Indy came up and nudged my hand.  He backed up pretty quickly, but it does not change that for the first time this dog intentionally touched me. 

I can't help but think that it had something to do with dad.  I hope it means he's alright.  He's with his mom and having a beer with his brother.  Meeting his dad.  Reading a good book.  He deserves the good life.  I love you dad.  We all love you!  We all miss you!  Give everyone hugs for me.  I'll hug everyone here for you.