Classes

Been busy.  Trying to catch up on animal duties, going to classes, and purging the house of unnecessary items.  In addition to the regular mom stuff.    I've been attending classes called "Annies Project".  Its been informative and helpful as we try to determine what direction we want to head with the farm as a business.  That has been every Tuesday, although its been more like every other, since I missed the second Tuesday for dad's funeral and the 4th Tuesday was canceled due to snow.  Pretty much if Chris was not traveling I've missed class, makes me sort of anxious about this Tuesday since Chris is not traveling.

I went to a "Pig CSA" class on Saturday. Class description is  
Starting a Pig CSA
Share our experiences in starting a pork Community Supported Agriculture program. We discuss the overall structure of our pork CSA program, how we market it and some of the questions that have come up. We also talk about communications with CSA members, how we raise our pigs and some of the challenges we had in our first season.   
I should have taken the "first season" literally as in first season of raising pigs.  Don't get me wrong, I did learn more about their CSA than I knew before I walked through the door.  

I also learned about what people will do. And how much they will pay.  I learned we are selling our pigs dirt cheap, and they are not medicated.  And prophylactically medicated animals have been linked to MRSA.  Actually I should rephrase.  MRSA has never been found on a farm where animals were NOT treated with antibiotics prophylactically (as a preventative).  MRSA has only been found on farms where animals are fed low doses of antibiotics in hopes of preventing disease.  Back to prices. These very nice people with CSA experience, but very little pig experience, charge $2.40 a lb live weight.  Plus processing.  We charge $2.25 a lb hanging weight, which means no head and gutted.  That usually  accounts for 25% decrease in weight.  So a 250lb live weight pig from their farm will be medicated and cost you $600 + processing.  That same pig at our farm would not have been medicated and cost $422 + processing.  

In addition they charged people 75% of the anticipated total cost up front.  Now I think that is actually a good idea.  They knew who had committed, no marketing or scrambling at the last minute,  they knew how many pigs they needed, they had the money up front to cover feed, that part is pretty smart, and I would like to try something similar. The issue I see is they had virtually no experience raising pigs and if their pig died people agreed they would not get their money back.  Who would give $400 to someone who had no experience raising pigs???  As it was the growers did lose a pig this year, and hadn't raised any extras. They considered the dead pig their pig, so they raised 10 pigs this year and they didn't get one.  I would have done the same thing to keep customers happy, but I started farming to feed my family quality product so I would not be happy about that. And I think that is part of our quality control, if I would not serve this food to my family, I'm not selling it.


I am thinking of  doing do something similar.  We need to find a good processor that we can count on.  Apparently a difficult feat.  I also think we will do a 4 payment sort of thing.  A deposit, another payment 2 months later, a third payment shortly before butchering time, and the last payment after processing when we know the final weight.  I think it will help people with budgeting.  There is no question that our naturally raised, on pasture/dirt, no antibiotics or hormones is a bargain at less than $4 a lb.  Yes that is expensive ground pork, but really cheap bacon and tenderloin.  And the benefit to your health.  Regardless, that is a large outlay of money to come up with all at once, spreading it out should help some people.   

Anyway, it was definitely informative on the CSA aspect, but not so much on pig raising, except to show me how much I already knew.  Oh and if you want to reserve a pig for this fall, let me know.  We still have 1/2 a pig going to butcher March 3rd. 

New Life

On top of Chris' dad dying, Chris' step-mom's step-dad has died.  It is a very difficult time for this family.  Chris's sister of course is sad, but as she said at least this time it makes sense.  In the midst of all this we see new life.  Obviously, and most importantly for me is my family where baby Kit is getting so big and brings us so much joy.  And our eldest Colin is a month away from turning 16.  All of the children are so smart and compassionate.  They make us smile daily and also challenge us to make us better people :)

In a smaller more mundane way we continue to see life renewed.  We have Bachelor Buttons sprouting.  A bit early, but Spencer and I decided we needed a little new life around here.  We have eggs going into the incubator, and in a month we'll have chicks and ducklings.  And even more exciting we have our first new kid (goat) of the year.  Our first time mom "Princess" had a buckling.  He is very cute!  Born this morning, Valentine's Day 2010.  The kid's have said that we will accept suggestions for a name, so lets hear them.

So small things, but we are reminded that life continues and good times will come again.  These hurts will be less painful, and loved ones will never be forgotten.

 Click here to see more baby goat pictures

Pondering

While discussing the death of grandpa we started discussing heaven.  Colin did not think it could be heaven if you are taken away from all the people you care about.  I responded that he can still see us, he didn't lose us, we lost him.  Then Colin asked a another very good question of  "How can it be heaven when you see all the people you love suffering so?"  I think he makes an excellent point.  I couldn't answer that at the time.  As I thought more about it I imagine its like many little hurts we see our children deal with daily.  The stubbed toe, the screams because its time to wash your hair, I don't want to go to bed.  These things that seem so important and so wrong.  Please don't make me wash my hair, please.  The pleas are real.  This child feels his world is closing in on him.  He does not understand. But we know everything will be alright.  We know he isn't going to drown, the water won't burn, there is no harm or danger here.  The fear and pain is created by himself and his own perceptions and desires.  We feel for our child when they are so worked up, but we know that things are fine and we don't share their pain or fear.  I wonder if its similar when a loved one dies.  They still have a connection to us.  They know everything is fine.  They know we have nothing to fear.  They feel for us, but they have a different perspective.  They know there hasn't been a loss. They understand what we don't.

Obviously I don't know, I haven't died.  Nor has anyone that talks back to me.  But Colin is right, how can it be heaven when you see all these people suffering because you are gone.  As a mother I would hate to cause that kind of pain on my family.  Of course I want to be missed.  We all want to think we bring something to this world and our leaving it will be noticed (as a bad thing).  But I don't want to cause suffering.  Some of our suffering with dad is his youth.  While not a child, 64 is barely past middle age.  It was so unexpected, there has been no time to get used to this idea.  When my grandfather died 7 years ago I was able to talk to him before he died.  He was ready to die.  He was tired.  He lived a good life and was ready for the rest he deserved.  While I didn't like the words I was hearing while we were talking, they have been very comforting in the time since.  He had come to terms with his time here on earth.  He was ready for the next journey.  He had raised his children.  Met his grandchildren, and even met some of his great-grandchildren.  He was 85 years old in a body that could not keep up with him anymore.  His bags were packed and he had bought his ticket, he was just waiting for the train now.  While there were many tears at my grandpa's funeral, I don't think there was as much denial.  Or the feeling that we had been robbed.

With dad we feel robbed.  We feel so vulnerable. Our Dad, Husband, and Grandfather has been snatched from us.  We were not ready to let him go.  He and his wife were discussing a 65th birthday party.  My youngest will not remember her grandpa, not even sure my 4 year old will. Sara never felt she needed to rush so her kids would know her dad.  And if we feel robbed, does he?  That is what Colin was getting at.  How can it be heaven when you aren't ready to die?  Sure I would love to go to Hawaii.  But if someone pulled up and threw me in a car and then flew me to Hawaii, even if it were free, I would not be happy.  I'd be worried about my family.  How could I get word to them that I'm alright?  How could I enjoy myself knowing, (or not knowing ) my family is suffering?

So I have to deal with this somehow.  And all I can come up with is he knows how we are and he can see things from a different perspective.  He knows we will be alright.  He knows we can make it through.  He knows we are strong enough.  He knows in the big scheme of things all we are being expected to do is wash our hair.  I guess I understand why Tin prefers his hair dirty.

Denial

For obvious reasons death has been consuming my thoughts a lot.  Dad had a wonderful turnout for his funeral.  Standing room only, not only in the actual room which we figured sat 150+, but standing room only in the lounge/reception area.  A testament to what a great person he was.  I was very pleased to have friends of mine come to offer their support.  It means so much.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this.  People die.  They die everyday.  They die expectedly after a long illness.  They die unexpectedly after an accident or sudden illness.  They die old, young, and very young.  I live on a farm with animals.  If you live you will die.  I heard a statistic on the radio show that I was listening to when I was driving to MN for the funeral because I was tired and I wanted to get irked so I would be more alert.  "The more you watch TV the more you increase your risk of death."  Well at least it served the purpose of making me irked.  You can't increase your risk of death.  Your risk of death is 100%.  No one gets out of here alive.  We start dying the moment we are born. etc...  My point is intellectually I know we all die.  I know my dad is dead.  I know he is not coming back.  I know it had to happen eventually.  I know with his smoking habit he was not likely to be the longest living parent. But I am having such a hard time accepting it.

I've cried.  I cried much.  I've sobbed and howled.  When Spencer & Tin were having a screaming contest on the way home from MN I joined them. (They thought I did ok, but they thought they were both better.)  How can someone who is a part of your life just not be there anymore?  I answered the phone and knew before Chris told me, he was dead.  But even then I asked a question, not a statement. "He's dead?"  I saw dad in the casket, it didn't look much like him at all.  But it was him, dead.  I was a the burial. We tore a ribbon to represent our pain.  We lit a candle for him.  I know he's dead. 

But if I know he's dead, why do I forget. I go along with my life and all of a sudden I get hit with the realization again and again that he's dead.  In the bookstore because dad hadn't made it to the bookstore before Christmas for our traditional used bookstore Christmas gift. (Poor woman in the aisle with me.) As I'm starting the truck because I think he could help me fix the starter.  In the barn, because he'll think the hay setup I got going is pretty good for a city girl.  When I get home and I tell Chris to call his dad.  The constant forgetting and remembering is exhausting.

I suppose the forgetting is really denial.  And I suppose its a coping mechanism.  Helps me get through the day, through life.  Things still have to get done even if I just want to go hide under my covers.  Chris is gone again. New York this time.  While I really wish he were here its probably good he's gone.  We are both so on edge and so sensitive.  All of our emotions are right at the surface.  the distance might help us not lash out at each other, but we also don't get the consoling we both still need.  I really feel for my mother-in-law.  Now's teh time she could use her husband to help her get through this.  She has her daughter and she has her family.  But still.... My heart goes out to you Jean.

Anyway - if you see me with red eyes or crying in the beer aisle, I'm not any crazier than usual.  I just remembered that dad is dead.