Joy & Pain

On Saturday Jan 23rd we went to "The Flakeout Festival" in the Wisconsin Dells.  We went to celebrate Kiki's birthday eve and just enjoy the family being together after Chris' long trip.  The Flakeout Festival promised snow sculptures, ice sculptures, a 7ft tall ice maze, a tubing hill and other varied events.  When we arrived we were all very much disappointed.  This event was not all it was promised, and the rain didn't help what they had.  Chris suffering from jet lag, and Colin with his cynical personality and being a teenager were the most obvious with their disappointment.  I kept telling them to relax, enjoy, don't make this day worse.  So Colin said, "Mom you are disappointed too" "Yes Colin, I am.  If they had just stated clearly what they did have  instead of blowing it out of proportion we could appreciate for what it was instead of lamenting what it isn't.  But I didn't come here for the festival anyway.  I came to spend time with you and dad and all of your siblings, having fun not working and worrying about work.  I don't care what they do or do not have here I am just here to have fun with you.  So would you rather be at home mucking out the barn, which really needs it, or here with all of us?"  He smirked and said "yeah, I guess I'd rather be here."  And that was it.  Kelsy got 1 ear pierced (how else is she going to be different?)  They walked through the maze (with only 1 path) about 6 times, saw the snow sculptures, most of them still looked pretty cool, saw the 1 ice sculpture, and went down the very small tubing hill many times.  It was perfect for Calli, Spencer & Tin.  While we were watching them Colin got bored and started throwing snowballs at Chris.  Chris offered Kiki 25 cents amnesty to protect and avenge him.  And much avenging happened.  Much snow was thrown and whitewashing took place.  At one point Kels was on her back and Colin was sitting on her giving her a white wash, Kels grabbed some snow and shoved it in Colin's face and up his nose.  She will never be kept down!  and the laughing, never has a war been so much fun.

Then we went to the arcade.  They played many games.  Colin and Kiki played Dance Dance Revolution a few times and even had a crowd gathered watching them and their ponesomeness!  Chris & Tin did a ticket winning game and won over 300 tickets with one token. (The gambling addiction begins!)  When Spencer was turning in tickets an adult couple came over and asked him if he wanted their 200 tickets. Spencer, Tin & Calli picked out their prizes including 2 things for the Birthday girl.   Chris went to get the car, and I went with the Spence, Tin & Calli to tube some more.  Through all this Kit was fantastic, and why shouldn't she be? The mama's girl had her mama!

Before we headed home at 8:30pm we had dinner at Famous Dave's.  I really need to learn how to make brisket!  On the way home we listened to an old favorite that was recently rediscovered, Veggietales!  I took a memory snapshot as everyone was singing, no fighting, no complaining, just joy!  Perfect moments are few, the car ride home and most of the day was one of them.

Shortly before we arrived home my dear Father-in law was in Minnesota having a heart attack.  Chris's dad, Bill and his wife, Jean,  were at a movie.  He left the movie, came back and said they needed to leave.  On the way out he had to stop and sit.  He was having a hard time breathing.  He tried to go again, he walked a few feet and had to stop again.  Jean asked if she should call 911.  He let her know she should. when she went to the counter to ask them to call Bill had fallen to the ground.  The emt arrived immediately .  While trying to help him Bill said he had had pains about  1 month ago, which Jean knew about, but at the time neither associated with a heart attack, and again 3 days ago, which Jean did not know about.  Bill had not gone to the Dr because they did not have health insurance and a DR visit is too expensive, as we all know.  Bill was rushed to the hospital where he quickly flatlined.  The drs did everything they could to revive him.  But there was nothing.  My dear father-in-law, the only man I called "dad", a friend and father to my husband, storyteller, lap holder, and grandfather to my children was dead at 64.

We got the call at 2am.  Needless to say Chris & I didn't sleep anymore that night.  On top of it all he died at 12:30am, which means he died on Kiki's birthday.  As it goes almost everyone in our family who has died in the past 15 years has died in January with very few exceptions.  Jean told us we did not need to tell Kiki.  But we knew we could not hide this from her.  Chris & I would be fine and then out of the blue we would tear up or start sobbing.  Our kids are very astute.  They would wonder why we had red eyes, why we were crying, what was going on.  We told Colin and Calli first as they were up first and it allowed us each to hug a kid.  They were predictably devastated.  Calli told us not to tell Kiki.  For all the reasons as before, we told her.  She too was devastated.  Later I told her I hoped we made the right decision to tell her.  Everyone wanted to protect her and everyone wanted her to have a happy birthday, not the worst birthday ever.  She said she wished Grandpa hadn't died, but she would have been mad at me for lying to her.  We all wish grandpa hadn't died.

Chris is glad that his dad went quickly without too much pain.  But he regrets not having his goodbyes.  I asked him what would've been said that hasn't already been said?  Chris & his dad talked alot.  Bill came to the farm about every other month, and we spoke on the phone about every week, not to mention e-mails & facebook.  Bill loved us.  He loved Chris & was so proud of what he has done.  He loved me and would often comment on how amazed he was on everything I was able to accomplish, although he did admonish me about leaving my snowblower out overnight one time.  He was a fantastic grandfather to all of his grandkids who loved him so much.  It was always a holiday when grandpa came.  He loved his wife. He adored his daughter and his son-in-law.  How many parents do you know that love their spouse's mates like their own?  He did.

I'm going to miss Bill so much.  We all will.  I'm going to miss talking to him on the phone or by facebook, always "liking" everything and inquiring about our awol dog Indy.  I'm going to miss his visits. I'm going to miss him getting up early in the morning, making a mess with the coffee and heading outdoors to have a smoke and look in on the farm.  I'm going to miss him relaxing and reading while Chris & I are working, and coming around after the work is done and asking if we need help.  I'm going to miss him bringing beer when he comes, even if it is some god-awful pisswater.  I'm going to miss not being able to call him for advice.  I'm going to miss his hugs and kisses.  I miss him.

If anyone knows the tale of Indy then you know that he does not let us touch him.  He's been getting closer over the past few months, and he's gotten close enough to almost touch.  Bill always was wondering how Indy was doing and if we had made any progress with him.  The morning of Bill's death I went to do animal chores, animals wait for no one or no death. As I walked out all the dogs, including Indy came up to me for a morning greeting, as is normal.   As I walked away Indy came up and nudged my hand.  He backed up pretty quickly, but it does not change that for the first time this dog intentionally touched me. 

I can't help but think that it had something to do with dad.  I hope it means he's alright.  He's with his mom and having a beer with his brother.  Meeting his dad.  Reading a good book.  He deserves the good life.  I love you dad.  We all love you!  We all miss you!  Give everyone hugs for me.  I'll hug everyone here for you.

The Day that Colin Lived.

January 12, 1996 is the day that Colin lived.  12 Days before Kelsy was born.  2 months before Colin turned 2.  On that day I was hugely pregnant.  Chris had finished school for the day and was at his night job.  I had finished work and picked up Colin from his grandmother's. Colin & I  went to our small apartment in Cottage Grove MN.  We had recently moved out of my mom's house and it was nice to be more independent again.   I started making supper for us. Spaghetti. Colin started roaming through the house, and as was his favorite activity at the time he was trying to put things in the electrical outlets.  The covers did no good, he just pulled them out.  So I decided to redirect him.

He stood on a stool handing me spaghetti noodles to put in the pot.  My normal way of doing things was always cooking on the back burners, but at this point I was so huge I was using the front burner. Then the cat came running through our kitchen followed by the dog, who knocked Colin off his stool.  He reached out to stop from falling.   While reaching out he pulled the pot of scalding water down on himself. I immediately grabbed him and put him in the shower under cold water.  Then I took off his wet clothes wrapped him in a blanket and drove him to the hospital.  I should have called 911, but then again I probably would have gone insane waiting.  We arrived at the hospital.   At some point I let my mom know who called my aunt who went to Chris's work to tell him.  They started treatment of Colin immediately and prepped him for ambulance transport to another hospital, called Ramsey at the time, now Regions.  We were fortunate enough to have one of the best burn units in the region right under our nose.

When we arrived they began further treatment of Colin. Then Chris arrived,and for the first time I cried.  I cried because my stupidity caused pain to my perfect little child.  I should have cooked on the back burner. He should have been on a sturdier stool.  We should have had sandwiches. Why did he have to suffer for my mistake?  Even now I wish I could take that pain from him. Still my heart breaks.   I cry thinking about it.  I had utterly failed Colin and Chris.  Colin had 3rd degree burns on 20% of his little body. The right side of his face and right side of his back, a little bit of his chest and his right arm.

He was in the burn unit for 1 week.  He regressed on speech and using the toilet.  He also gained 7 pounds and threw-up on me everyday.  I still gag at the smell of pediasure.  It was extremely critical that they kept his nutrition up.  Without skin a person has lost their primary form of disease prevention.  Some of the nurses became annoyed with us.  We would not leave Colin's side.  And to make it worse both Chris & I spent the night.  One night Colin started running a fever, a nurse came in to take blood.  The 3rd time she poked Colin with the needle because she could not find a vein Chris told her she had one more chance and then she needed to call a pediatric nurse.  She was angry and started telling us why she needed the blood.  We knew why and agreed blood needed to be taken, but clearly it needed to be someone who could find the little veins of a not yet 2 year old.  I was so proud of Chris. The fever was gone that morning.

Some nurses were thrilled we spent so much time there.  Some for obvious reasons, we changed his diaper (had to weigh and record it), we put in new movies for him, we helped him not be so bored.  We parented our son.  Some were happy because they didn't see enough parental involvement with other children, it depressed the nurses and the children.  It especially made them happy that Chris was involved.  One nurse made a point of telling Chris to ignore the other nurses.  He said the best thing we can do for our child is to be there.  That nurse was right.

Colin was the least injured person there.  And he was nearly 2. So he had a little more energy than the others.  We would take him for walks around the ward with his nose tube and IV tube in tow.  We'd race his cars down the ramp, he'd point out trash and dust that was being left behind that Chris & I had to pick up.  When we'd go by other patient's rooms some of them would invite us in. It made them happy to see a friendly little guy, and made their injuries seem a little less bad.  If this little person could get through this, so could they.  One of the patients was another little boy that had just turned 2 and was burned from the waist down  on Christmas because the bathwater was too hot.  Colin was able to get that little boy to talk and play again.  Colin made a difference not only the week he was there but the numerous weeks he had to come back for his daily bath.  The people who wanted to talk to him, the parents that wanted to commiserate with us.  And eventually the little baby Kelsy that would accompany us.  A baby brightens everybody's day because a baby reminds us of new life and hope.

If one is to get burned it is best if you are a 2 year old boy.  For whatever reason males heal better from burns.  And young people are in an active growth phase and also heal quickly from burns. He was also fortunate the water was water not soup or oil, much cleaner. and we were close to the shower to stop the heat.  Colin's rate of healing absolutely astounded the Drs.  At first it was a no-brainer that he should have skin grafting.  By the end of the week it wasn't so clear cut.  His rate of healing surpassed everyone's most optimistic expectations.  By the end of the week the burns on his face were more like a bad sunburn.  His chest and back were healing beautifully.  The biggest concern was his arm, and at this point the Drs could not guess how completely he would or would not heal.

In the end we decided against the grafting.  A week at the hospital with Colin, followed by Kelsy coming a few days later, we could not stomach another week in the hospital and inflicting more pain on Colin for the grafting without a clear idea that this was going to be beneficial.  I think it was the right choice.  Colin has one spot around his arm where there is very clear scarring.  The Drs believe the scarring is at that specific point and not so much elsewhere because he was put under the cold water so quickly and his shirt bunched there holding in the heat.  If you look closely you'll see the pores on his back and chest are larger.  Unless he's shirtless you would never know he was burned.

I've asked Colin if he remembers.  He says not really, getting knocked off the stool and then mostly just the baths at the hospital.  The nurses chasing him.  I'm glad he doesn't remember.  I remember enough for the both of us.  And everyday, even when he drives me nuts, I am thankful for him.  I realize even when I was a child the medicine didn't exist to keep him alive.  And I'll take my young man driving me nuts anyday rather than the alternative.  
I love you Colin!

Promises Promises....

The 10 day forecast looks SWEET - although that 1st day of the warming trend keeps being put off.  Originally it was Saturday now its at Wednesday.  In any case its at or above freezing for the next 10 days.  As long as it gets cold again gradually I am excited for our January thaw.

Our little Kierstyn is a very stereotypical girl baby.  Much more engaged socially and verbally.  She tries to mimic our faces, laughs at raised eyebrows, bemused when someone wears a hat.  She is working on her mouth muscles so much more than any of our other children.  She raspberries with and without the tongue, she makes kissing sounds, she puts different affectations in her laughs from a big old gurgly baby belly laugh to a simple "ha-ha" Nelson laugh..  She is a communicator.  A few days ago she started saying ma-ma.  Last night she looked straight at me during dinner and said mama.  All the kids were in an uproar.  We had all heard her say mama before, but in our opinion she meant it for the first time.

Its so bittersweet to see babies progress, especially the last one, but talking is all sweet.  Its so satisfying for everyone to know what is wanted.  There are so many fewer tears when a child can communicate its needs.  So many toddler & preschool temper tantrums stem from the simple issue of the child not being able to communicate with others.  Its very frustrating.  So I am excited that it seems as if Kierstyn might be an early talker.  Early talker does not mean talkative.  Our earliest talker is our least talkative child.  Not that she isn't a great communicator, she just doesn't want to waste her allotted words needlessly.

The other thing that was crystal clear to me last night was how much everyone adores Kierstyn.  Every child in this house loves her.  I think it can be frustrating to the younger children who do not get to hold her as much and don't always play with her as gently as they should, and so they get reprimanded or criticized.  I'm sure she is seen sometimes as the baby that took their mama's attention away.  I've been encouraging both the younger boys to come do animal chores with me so we can have some alone time.  Of course who would want to work with mom in the cold - blechh.  Tin insists that I brush his teeth, and he must lay on my lap so Kit has to go elsewhere.  I think he finds a lot of power in that, and his place has not been usurped. 

I think the bigger issue is with my older boy nearly 7 1/2  and leaving little boyhood to big boyhood.  And my eldest joins him as he leaves boyhood and enters manhood.  Its a struggle to move on.  To take on bigger responsibilities and more independence and theoretically more freedom.  For Spencer its a little more clear cut - if he wants the later bedtime he has to do "big boy" chores.  More work = later bedtime.  Be there when I need you mom, but get out of the way when I don't.  Don't interfere unless I ned you to, and yes mom it is up to you to figure out when that is.  That's all of parenthood really.  Knowing when to take their hand, and when to watch and cheer, and when to just be quiet and offer your shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, with those few moments when everything is just right.  And with 6 children not everyone has ever been content all at the same time.  But there is solace in that, "we got through it with her we can get through it with him" or " he's doing ok, surely we are doing something right."  Sometimes I so badly want to just hug them and keep them with me forever, and other times I wonder why I chose to spend so much time with my children. And then I look at them and I see what amazing people they are and it is such a treat to be part of their lives. Its getting through those trials that make us all stonger and usually strengthens that bond we have. And then the reward after all the struggles of the transition. It is so bittersweet to see our babies progress.

Glad to be living South

Sorry friends and family in Minnesota, but I'm really glad we don't live there anymore right now.  I'm really glad -10 is really really cold here, and that's as cold as it got.  I'm so glad to live in a state that doesn't set the nation's cold temps.  Granted Northern WI does get very cold, but its Int'l Falls MN that makes the news for the nation's cold temps.  Besides, we live in SOUTHERN  WI., practically in IL.  Not to say that -10 isn't cold, but its not -30.  It hasn't been so cold we couldn't dress for the weather and at least go for a walk.  That makes me happy and helps in the sanity department.

Chris was in Atlanta last week.  They got snow while he was there and temps don to 25.  The funny part was residents were told to stay home, not specifically because of the snow, which makes sense because they aren't used to driving in the snow.  No, they were told to stay off the roads because it was so cold  the salt wasn't working.  Pardon me????  What special southern salt are they using that doesn't work at 25 degrees?  If it got any warmer the salt would be rather obsolete.  Funny the regional differences.

Chris has arrived safe & sound in Hong Kong.  He'll be home in 10 short days.  We'll be thrilled to have him back.  If nothing else just to check in that its my teenagers not me.  :)  Actually the kids are usually great.  Very helpful and not much backtalk.  Unfortunately yesterday was a pretty whiny day.  Too much TV for sure!  And Tintin got his first ear infection.  It must have been ready to burst because he was in pain.  I feel fortunate though.  Both Colin & Calli were plagued with ear infections as youngsters.  Poor Calli had 18 ear infections by the time she was 18 months.  And Colin had ear infections so often that would not clear up we decided to have tubes inserted in his ears.  So I am pleased that this was Tin's first.  Anyway whiny kids.  I said "I'm throwing all but 2 of you in a snowbank you are being so whiny."  Oblivious Colin says "which 2 are you keeping?"  Kelsy, in typical Kelsy form and demeanor says, "Kit and me obviously."  And she was absolutely correct.

Speaking of silly Kiki.  She and some friends are working on a band.  I asked her what her part was in the band.  She said probably playing piano.  Its funny because she fought me tooth & nail on taking piano lessons, and she's the only that still plays and has even been giving Spencer lessons.  Oh irony!  Of course I will not be pointing this out to her.

Animals are faring pretty well.  We have one steer that is fighting pink eye & pneumonia.  I think I have him on the mend but he just isn't moving.  So twice a day I feed & water him where he's at, with the philosophy that if he's eating he's living - rather simplistic and obvious I know, but very true.  I hope I can keep him going long enough to fight this infection. Unfortunately he's too big for me to just pick up to his feet, so I'll just keep doing for him the best I can.

Chickens are doing well.  Still laying eggs.  Something has burrowed its way in from outside the coop to the chick brooding area.  It doesn't seem to be killing anything, but still it concerns me.  Not many digging animals out here that wouldn't eat a chicken. I keep collapsing the tunnel and try to block the holes its created, but so far its has managed to re-dig.  Our pigeons have laid 2 eggs, and they are sitting on them.  Its very neat to see both mom & dad take turns.  Maybe we'll have some success with them.

No goat kids yet, but the goats are staying in their pens.  That in itself is quite an accomplishment.  Next week should be warm enough that I can get some more pens built.  That would be something to have it done before Chris gets home.  I'd love to just spend time with him for the week he is home. 

Happy New Year & Happy 6 month Birthday Kit!

Happy 2010!  I hope its your best year yet.

And Kierstyn is 6 months old, where the heck has the past 6 months gone?!




We had a good Christmas.  I have some pictures here.  http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2048577&id=1363934017&l=cd6069e97d  You can look at them even if you aren't on Facebook.

I haven't posted much.  Been super busy.  Nothing exciting, just time consuming.  I've been up early every morning checking on goats who are getting close to kidding ( having babies.)  4 of our 6 does are showing signs of closeness.  I worry they'll have the babies in the early morning and mom will be stupid & the kid will freeze.  I'm working on putting up pens or stalls in the barn so they will have an extra protected space to have the kids, but its slow going.  I have 4 pens done now. (And 4 goats in the pens.)  I need to have 13 done by March for the sheep. the barn has become a dumping ground for misc stuff since we don't really use it in the summer, as well as I pretty much let things go the last few months of my pregnancy and the first few months of Kit's life.  Now its catch up time, so its clearing out clutter as well as building. Kelsy has helped me a lot out there.

Another early morning check is the chickens.  Our electricity to the coop isn't so hot and circuits flip all the time.  We have chicks that still need that extra heat, so I always check them first thing thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Chris and the other kids have been working hard on cleaning out the basement.  We haven't completely unpacked since we moved in.  And we did not realize how wet the basement was.  So many things we thought were protected in Rubbermaid bins were not. We had kept the local newspaper from the day each child was born, and unfortunately the newspapers for the 4 oldest are not salvageable.  But we have recovered many things that we were missing, so its an extra special Christmas!

One bittersweet event was the butchering of our sows.  It needed to happen as the cost of feed far outweighed the money they brought in.  Still we knew them and had grown attached to some extent.  This will free us up considerably.  Perhaps we will be able to get away for a short while.  It would be very nice to visit family and maybe even take a vacation - gasp!

Joining Tin in the haircutting department, everyone got a a haircut but Spencer.  Kelsy even got her hair dyed as an early birthday present.  And Colin & Calli got ears pierced, Calli was first though! and Colin only had 1 done.

Since this is New Year's Day I suppose goals & resolutions are in order.  We are working (and will continue to work) on decluttering and getting rid of extra items that get in our way and do not give something back.  Whether this be extra toys, clothes, animals, activities or pounds.  If they do not enhance our quality of life we need to eliminate them. That is our objective, I think we have a good start on it.

Cheers to a bountiful 2010!