The Day that Colin Lived.

January 12, 1996 is the day that Colin lived.  12 Days before Kelsy was born.  2 months before Colin turned 2.  On that day I was hugely pregnant.  Chris had finished school for the day and was at his night job.  I had finished work and picked up Colin from his grandmother's. Colin & I  went to our small apartment in Cottage Grove MN.  We had recently moved out of my mom's house and it was nice to be more independent again.   I started making supper for us. Spaghetti. Colin started roaming through the house, and as was his favorite activity at the time he was trying to put things in the electrical outlets.  The covers did no good, he just pulled them out.  So I decided to redirect him.

He stood on a stool handing me spaghetti noodles to put in the pot.  My normal way of doing things was always cooking on the back burners, but at this point I was so huge I was using the front burner. Then the cat came running through our kitchen followed by the dog, who knocked Colin off his stool.  He reached out to stop from falling.   While reaching out he pulled the pot of scalding water down on himself. I immediately grabbed him and put him in the shower under cold water.  Then I took off his wet clothes wrapped him in a blanket and drove him to the hospital.  I should have called 911, but then again I probably would have gone insane waiting.  We arrived at the hospital.   At some point I let my mom know who called my aunt who went to Chris's work to tell him.  They started treatment of Colin immediately and prepped him for ambulance transport to another hospital, called Ramsey at the time, now Regions.  We were fortunate enough to have one of the best burn units in the region right under our nose.

When we arrived they began further treatment of Colin. Then Chris arrived,and for the first time I cried.  I cried because my stupidity caused pain to my perfect little child.  I should have cooked on the back burner. He should have been on a sturdier stool.  We should have had sandwiches. Why did he have to suffer for my mistake?  Even now I wish I could take that pain from him. Still my heart breaks.   I cry thinking about it.  I had utterly failed Colin and Chris.  Colin had 3rd degree burns on 20% of his little body. The right side of his face and right side of his back, a little bit of his chest and his right arm.

He was in the burn unit for 1 week.  He regressed on speech and using the toilet.  He also gained 7 pounds and threw-up on me everyday.  I still gag at the smell of pediasure.  It was extremely critical that they kept his nutrition up.  Without skin a person has lost their primary form of disease prevention.  Some of the nurses became annoyed with us.  We would not leave Colin's side.  And to make it worse both Chris & I spent the night.  One night Colin started running a fever, a nurse came in to take blood.  The 3rd time she poked Colin with the needle because she could not find a vein Chris told her she had one more chance and then she needed to call a pediatric nurse.  She was angry and started telling us why she needed the blood.  We knew why and agreed blood needed to be taken, but clearly it needed to be someone who could find the little veins of a not yet 2 year old.  I was so proud of Chris. The fever was gone that morning.

Some nurses were thrilled we spent so much time there.  Some for obvious reasons, we changed his diaper (had to weigh and record it), we put in new movies for him, we helped him not be so bored.  We parented our son.  Some were happy because they didn't see enough parental involvement with other children, it depressed the nurses and the children.  It especially made them happy that Chris was involved.  One nurse made a point of telling Chris to ignore the other nurses.  He said the best thing we can do for our child is to be there.  That nurse was right.

Colin was the least injured person there.  And he was nearly 2. So he had a little more energy than the others.  We would take him for walks around the ward with his nose tube and IV tube in tow.  We'd race his cars down the ramp, he'd point out trash and dust that was being left behind that Chris & I had to pick up.  When we'd go by other patient's rooms some of them would invite us in. It made them happy to see a friendly little guy, and made their injuries seem a little less bad.  If this little person could get through this, so could they.  One of the patients was another little boy that had just turned 2 and was burned from the waist down  on Christmas because the bathwater was too hot.  Colin was able to get that little boy to talk and play again.  Colin made a difference not only the week he was there but the numerous weeks he had to come back for his daily bath.  The people who wanted to talk to him, the parents that wanted to commiserate with us.  And eventually the little baby Kelsy that would accompany us.  A baby brightens everybody's day because a baby reminds us of new life and hope.

If one is to get burned it is best if you are a 2 year old boy.  For whatever reason males heal better from burns.  And young people are in an active growth phase and also heal quickly from burns. He was also fortunate the water was water not soup or oil, much cleaner. and we were close to the shower to stop the heat.  Colin's rate of healing absolutely astounded the Drs.  At first it was a no-brainer that he should have skin grafting.  By the end of the week it wasn't so clear cut.  His rate of healing surpassed everyone's most optimistic expectations.  By the end of the week the burns on his face were more like a bad sunburn.  His chest and back were healing beautifully.  The biggest concern was his arm, and at this point the Drs could not guess how completely he would or would not heal.

In the end we decided against the grafting.  A week at the hospital with Colin, followed by Kelsy coming a few days later, we could not stomach another week in the hospital and inflicting more pain on Colin for the grafting without a clear idea that this was going to be beneficial.  I think it was the right choice.  Colin has one spot around his arm where there is very clear scarring.  The Drs believe the scarring is at that specific point and not so much elsewhere because he was put under the cold water so quickly and his shirt bunched there holding in the heat.  If you look closely you'll see the pores on his back and chest are larger.  Unless he's shirtless you would never know he was burned.

I've asked Colin if he remembers.  He says not really, getting knocked off the stool and then mostly just the baths at the hospital.  The nurses chasing him.  I'm glad he doesn't remember.  I remember enough for the both of us.  And everyday, even when he drives me nuts, I am thankful for him.  I realize even when I was a child the medicine didn't exist to keep him alive.  And I'll take my young man driving me nuts anyday rather than the alternative.  
I love you Colin!

Promises Promises....

The 10 day forecast looks SWEET - although that 1st day of the warming trend keeps being put off.  Originally it was Saturday now its at Wednesday.  In any case its at or above freezing for the next 10 days.  As long as it gets cold again gradually I am excited for our January thaw.

Our little Kierstyn is a very stereotypical girl baby.  Much more engaged socially and verbally.  She tries to mimic our faces, laughs at raised eyebrows, bemused when someone wears a hat.  She is working on her mouth muscles so much more than any of our other children.  She raspberries with and without the tongue, she makes kissing sounds, she puts different affectations in her laughs from a big old gurgly baby belly laugh to a simple "ha-ha" Nelson laugh..  She is a communicator.  A few days ago she started saying ma-ma.  Last night she looked straight at me during dinner and said mama.  All the kids were in an uproar.  We had all heard her say mama before, but in our opinion she meant it for the first time.

Its so bittersweet to see babies progress, especially the last one, but talking is all sweet.  Its so satisfying for everyone to know what is wanted.  There are so many fewer tears when a child can communicate its needs.  So many toddler & preschool temper tantrums stem from the simple issue of the child not being able to communicate with others.  Its very frustrating.  So I am excited that it seems as if Kierstyn might be an early talker.  Early talker does not mean talkative.  Our earliest talker is our least talkative child.  Not that she isn't a great communicator, she just doesn't want to waste her allotted words needlessly.

The other thing that was crystal clear to me last night was how much everyone adores Kierstyn.  Every child in this house loves her.  I think it can be frustrating to the younger children who do not get to hold her as much and don't always play with her as gently as they should, and so they get reprimanded or criticized.  I'm sure she is seen sometimes as the baby that took their mama's attention away.  I've been encouraging both the younger boys to come do animal chores with me so we can have some alone time.  Of course who would want to work with mom in the cold - blechh.  Tin insists that I brush his teeth, and he must lay on my lap so Kit has to go elsewhere.  I think he finds a lot of power in that, and his place has not been usurped. 

I think the bigger issue is with my older boy nearly 7 1/2  and leaving little boyhood to big boyhood.  And my eldest joins him as he leaves boyhood and enters manhood.  Its a struggle to move on.  To take on bigger responsibilities and more independence and theoretically more freedom.  For Spencer its a little more clear cut - if he wants the later bedtime he has to do "big boy" chores.  More work = later bedtime.  Be there when I need you mom, but get out of the way when I don't.  Don't interfere unless I ned you to, and yes mom it is up to you to figure out when that is.  That's all of parenthood really.  Knowing when to take their hand, and when to watch and cheer, and when to just be quiet and offer your shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, with those few moments when everything is just right.  And with 6 children not everyone has ever been content all at the same time.  But there is solace in that, "we got through it with her we can get through it with him" or " he's doing ok, surely we are doing something right."  Sometimes I so badly want to just hug them and keep them with me forever, and other times I wonder why I chose to spend so much time with my children. And then I look at them and I see what amazing people they are and it is such a treat to be part of their lives. Its getting through those trials that make us all stonger and usually strengthens that bond we have. And then the reward after all the struggles of the transition. It is so bittersweet to see our babies progress.

Glad to be living South

Sorry friends and family in Minnesota, but I'm really glad we don't live there anymore right now.  I'm really glad -10 is really really cold here, and that's as cold as it got.  I'm so glad to live in a state that doesn't set the nation's cold temps.  Granted Northern WI does get very cold, but its Int'l Falls MN that makes the news for the nation's cold temps.  Besides, we live in SOUTHERN  WI., practically in IL.  Not to say that -10 isn't cold, but its not -30.  It hasn't been so cold we couldn't dress for the weather and at least go for a walk.  That makes me happy and helps in the sanity department.

Chris was in Atlanta last week.  They got snow while he was there and temps don to 25.  The funny part was residents were told to stay home, not specifically because of the snow, which makes sense because they aren't used to driving in the snow.  No, they were told to stay off the roads because it was so cold  the salt wasn't working.  Pardon me????  What special southern salt are they using that doesn't work at 25 degrees?  If it got any warmer the salt would be rather obsolete.  Funny the regional differences.

Chris has arrived safe & sound in Hong Kong.  He'll be home in 10 short days.  We'll be thrilled to have him back.  If nothing else just to check in that its my teenagers not me.  :)  Actually the kids are usually great.  Very helpful and not much backtalk.  Unfortunately yesterday was a pretty whiny day.  Too much TV for sure!  And Tintin got his first ear infection.  It must have been ready to burst because he was in pain.  I feel fortunate though.  Both Colin & Calli were plagued with ear infections as youngsters.  Poor Calli had 18 ear infections by the time she was 18 months.  And Colin had ear infections so often that would not clear up we decided to have tubes inserted in his ears.  So I am pleased that this was Tin's first.  Anyway whiny kids.  I said "I'm throwing all but 2 of you in a snowbank you are being so whiny."  Oblivious Colin says "which 2 are you keeping?"  Kelsy, in typical Kelsy form and demeanor says, "Kit and me obviously."  And she was absolutely correct.

Speaking of silly Kiki.  She and some friends are working on a band.  I asked her what her part was in the band.  She said probably playing piano.  Its funny because she fought me tooth & nail on taking piano lessons, and she's the only that still plays and has even been giving Spencer lessons.  Oh irony!  Of course I will not be pointing this out to her.

Animals are faring pretty well.  We have one steer that is fighting pink eye & pneumonia.  I think I have him on the mend but he just isn't moving.  So twice a day I feed & water him where he's at, with the philosophy that if he's eating he's living - rather simplistic and obvious I know, but very true.  I hope I can keep him going long enough to fight this infection. Unfortunately he's too big for me to just pick up to his feet, so I'll just keep doing for him the best I can.

Chickens are doing well.  Still laying eggs.  Something has burrowed its way in from outside the coop to the chick brooding area.  It doesn't seem to be killing anything, but still it concerns me.  Not many digging animals out here that wouldn't eat a chicken. I keep collapsing the tunnel and try to block the holes its created, but so far its has managed to re-dig.  Our pigeons have laid 2 eggs, and they are sitting on them.  Its very neat to see both mom & dad take turns.  Maybe we'll have some success with them.

No goat kids yet, but the goats are staying in their pens.  That in itself is quite an accomplishment.  Next week should be warm enough that I can get some more pens built.  That would be something to have it done before Chris gets home.  I'd love to just spend time with him for the week he is home. 

Happy New Year & Happy 6 month Birthday Kit!

Happy 2010!  I hope its your best year yet.

And Kierstyn is 6 months old, where the heck has the past 6 months gone?!




We had a good Christmas.  I have some pictures here.  http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2048577&id=1363934017&l=cd6069e97d  You can look at them even if you aren't on Facebook.

I haven't posted much.  Been super busy.  Nothing exciting, just time consuming.  I've been up early every morning checking on goats who are getting close to kidding ( having babies.)  4 of our 6 does are showing signs of closeness.  I worry they'll have the babies in the early morning and mom will be stupid & the kid will freeze.  I'm working on putting up pens or stalls in the barn so they will have an extra protected space to have the kids, but its slow going.  I have 4 pens done now. (And 4 goats in the pens.)  I need to have 13 done by March for the sheep. the barn has become a dumping ground for misc stuff since we don't really use it in the summer, as well as I pretty much let things go the last few months of my pregnancy and the first few months of Kit's life.  Now its catch up time, so its clearing out clutter as well as building. Kelsy has helped me a lot out there.

Another early morning check is the chickens.  Our electricity to the coop isn't so hot and circuits flip all the time.  We have chicks that still need that extra heat, so I always check them first thing thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Chris and the other kids have been working hard on cleaning out the basement.  We haven't completely unpacked since we moved in.  And we did not realize how wet the basement was.  So many things we thought were protected in Rubbermaid bins were not. We had kept the local newspaper from the day each child was born, and unfortunately the newspapers for the 4 oldest are not salvageable.  But we have recovered many things that we were missing, so its an extra special Christmas!

One bittersweet event was the butchering of our sows.  It needed to happen as the cost of feed far outweighed the money they brought in.  Still we knew them and had grown attached to some extent.  This will free us up considerably.  Perhaps we will be able to get away for a short while.  It would be very nice to visit family and maybe even take a vacation - gasp!

Joining Tin in the haircutting department, everyone got a a haircut but Spencer.  Kelsy even got her hair dyed as an early birthday present.  And Colin & Calli got ears pierced, Calli was first though! and Colin only had 1 done.

Since this is New Year's Day I suppose goals & resolutions are in order.  We are working (and will continue to work) on decluttering and getting rid of extra items that get in our way and do not give something back.  Whether this be extra toys, clothes, animals, activities or pounds.  If they do not enhance our quality of life we need to eliminate them. That is our objective, I think we have a good start on it.

Cheers to a bountiful 2010!

Decisions

We all make decisions.  From the moment we wake up till the moment we close our eyes.  Should I have coffee ( I know some of you don't think of it as a decision, it is simply done!)  E-mail now or later?  Walk the dog or face the consequences? Jeans or Khakis? Cornflakes or Cheerios? Audi or BMW?

Quentin recently had a very difficult decision.  He helped us make some cream cheese frosting and after licking the bowl placed it on his head.  Sticky tasty white frosting all over his head - he needs lessons on bowl licking, because I'm pretty sure when I was 4 I wouldn't have left anything behind!
Sitting by the fire with Kit I talk to Tintin. 
So Tin - you need to wash that hair.
I don't want to.
You have frosting in your hair, we need to wash it.
No please....
You cannot go to bed with frosting in your hair, you have to wash it.
Or mom, you could cut it.
You could have heard a pin drop.  This is the hair strangers and friends have wanted to cut.  Chris has threatened to cut because Tintin keeps sucking on it and is going to get a hairball.  This is HUGE!
Chris take the baby.  Calli grab the scissors.
What scissors mom?
Any that cut.
Colin adds "Mom I have the clippers."
No good Colin, we would have to comb his hair first.  Don't want to get one pass, have a half bald kid and be done.

So I cut Tin's dry hair by the firelight with utility scissors and no comb.  And before you even ask, no I did not cut his "Ninja" tail.  I did clean it up a bit though.  He loves it when you don't know who he is.


Oh and he still got his hair washed.

I'm back.

Typing is pretty slow as Kit is trying to chew my fingers as I type.  Then she tries to help me type. Lil' cutie!  I haven't posted because I just did not have the time.  Then I ran out of  "DATA".  We get our internet through a Sprint DSL card.  We are only allowed 5GB a month.  How much is 5 GB?  That is a good question.  And I do not have an answer for you.  Around the 10th of every month I start checking our usage.  When I see we are almost out or even over our allotted DATA we are done with the internet until 12am on the 20th.  Makes it really tough when you are doing virtual school.  We ran out of DATA on Wednesday or Thursday.  Colin has spent a lot of time at the library this week so he could use their internet.  I love the speed of the card, and the cost is not bad, unless you go over.  That part is really bad, and you can't upgrade.  We have discussed buying a 2nd card, but its a 2 year commitment.  Its also really frustrating when you have posted something for sale and you can't check your e-mails anymore.  Oh well no one wanted to buy our sows anyway.

We have definitely decided to sell the sows.  IF we go into breeding again we want to do purebreds.  But right now we would rather just raise feeders.  The time and money needed to do breeders just isn't right for us right now. We have located someone close to us who is breeding pigs and could keep us in feeders.  We started raising breeders in the first place because we couldn't find any feeders.  Now with a breeder so close, we don't need to breed.  That should help us lower our feed costs some and even free us up in our daily life and hopefully allow us to leave the farm once in awhile.  The breeding pigs need to be fed 2x a day.  Even if the fencing was perfect, they should not have access to feed at all times.  Pigs do not stop growing.  If they are allowed to eat non-stop they will eventually get to big to breed or even move.  In the wild they spend a lot of time on the move searching for food, so on the farm breeder's feed needs to be limited.  Feeders on the other hand can be left with a self-feeder.  And eventually the go to butcher and we can say ok, we are leaving for a weekend, we'll get new feeders next week.  Gives us a little more freedom, which is something our family needs for awhile.  So if you are looking for a good deal on some pork let me know.  We want $250 per sow.  If you talk real nice to us we'll take $200 a pig. They are between 400-600lbs.  Depending on your processor you would get hams, bacon, sausage, ground pork, lard and maybe some roasts.  (Lard is the best for pie making by the way.) I would deliver free to any of the local processors.  Or I could deliver to you.

Speaking of processors, what is up with people?  Our usual processor was very rude last time we dealt with them, so we want to try someone else.  We have called this new processor 5 times in the past month to arrange a slaughter date.  NOTHING.  We want to give these people our business and they cannot get someone out here to slaughter a pig.  Time to try yet another processor.  We didn't think it would be so hard to get someone to take our money.

Calli had her final performance tonight.  She loved it.  And she did a great job. Here is a link promoting the play.  Calli is in the very first shot.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhyyeBBK12w

Colin rode our horse Shakespeare this afternoon.  He really enjoyed it, but wishes we had a saddle.

I worked on settling the calves in the barn today.  We moved them into the barn yesterday.  The door is open and they can go in or out.  Hopefully they will get the shelter and the ventilation they need.  Here is a picture of Nicely the cat and Bear and a calf all eating calf starter. Goofy animals!

Positivity

Yesterday I was feeling very negative. Not without reason.  Let me start at the beginning. Tuesday huge snowstorm hits followed by frigid temps.  On Tuesday the car Chris drove home got stuck in a snowbank on the side of our driveway. Everything was closed down on Wed, including mail service & state colleges etc.  18 inches of snow.  On Wednesday afternoon when the snow stopped and the roads had been cleared Chris took our truck to go get more gas for the snow blower so we can finish clearing the driveway.  In the meantime our dogs have found the drifts to be great fun in allowing them to jump the fence, and then go lie in the road so people have to drive around them, or a car gets stuck on the hill and then we have to push it up the hill.  When Chris returns with the truck he parks it at the end of the driveway, not where I told him to park it when he called and asked where he should park it.  We clear the driveway a bit more, work on the coop to try to keep the chicks alive, make sure all the critters are still good on food, hay, water & straw and call it a night.

On Thursday Chris is having a simple outpatient procedure done at 1pm.  We go about our morning work, checking animals, inside housecleaning chores, clearing the driveway a little more, gathering wood and so forth.  We both take showers and its time to go.  But the the truck parked at the end of the driveway has an occasional glitch in the engine that when something gets wet on it it won't start, at least that is the theory as this is only the second time it has happened.  The truck will not move and we cannot get past it.  And its blocking 2 of our cars from being usable. We have 2 driveways that form a V and the upper driveway only had a path cleared.  So we worked on getting the truck started and then we worked on pushing it.  Colin, Kelsy Chris & me.  It would not budge.  Chris had to take pain medication before he left and was starting to get a little goofy.  I won't share the suggestions he was making at this time, but looking back they were silly.  At the time I was not amused.  The kids and I decided the best route was clearing the upper driveway. Chris called to make sure they would still see him late, and they would.  We told dad to sit in the car and get out of our way and we went to work.  Spencer even came out and helped.  The 4 of us did pretty good.  We still had to push the Toyota up the driveway but we made it and got Chris to the clinic.  The kids never complained. The appt got changed to 3pm.  The surgery is only supposed to take 30 minutes.  Chris should have been able to go in at 3 or 3:15 at the latest.  It was 5:30 before he went in. Another hour before he was done and we could go home.  Lovely.

Chris is now out of commission for the next few days.  I wake on Friday knowing we have company coming and the driveway is blocked.  I do morning chores with Colin & Kelsy.  I try to get Calli to band and myself to town to buy Christmas present supplies. I can't get us out of the driveway, everything has turned to ice.  Band is not happening today.  She missed the whole week.  I accept it and move on.  I start in on the driveway.  Before the snow comes we go through the yard and driveway and try to pick up as much as we can, well we either missed a feed bag or the wind blew it in, but the snow blower found it.  I disconnect the spark plug on the snow blower and see that a wire bucket handle also is caught in the auger/blower.  And the chain for the auger has come off. Its time for lunch.  I go in and make it, come back out to the snow blower.  I am able to get most everything cleared and get the chain back on.  I do a a mental happy dance because I am that awesome and put the snow blower back upright.  But now its frozen.  The pull-rope to start the blasted thing is offering no resistance.  This has happened before.  Before I have put it into the house to warm up.  I don't want to do that now. Fine!  I will work on getting cars unstuck.  While I am here I will take this gate and put it where the dogs are jumping out, guess that is a good thing about the snow, I can see their tracks.   And I'll fix the gate the snotty Bear is pushing open. Ok that is done.

After working on the truck on Thursday the truck was left on so it drained the battery, I brought our 1 moving car to it and charged the battery in hopes it fixed itself.  No go.  I park the one car and unstuck our big van.  I get it up to our upper driveway and then its stuck! And then Bear jumps over the gate to be with me.  UGH!!!!  That was the breaking point for me.  I went a little crazy.  Really wished I lived somewhere else, really wished we a had a working 4x4 vehicle with heat, car payments be damned!  Enough of this crap!  Calli had rehearsal at 5:30 and I had a board meeting, that I was in no way ready for, and at this pace wasn't going to be.  I had to buy supplies & finish Christmas presents.  I had to accept that wasn't happening now either.

But as is me, I had my temper tantrum and went back to work.  I fixed the gate so Bear couldn't jump over it.  I got salt for the upper driveway.  I got the big van unstuck and on the road.  YAY! at least I knew we could get where we needed to go.  Kelsy & I used the van to push the truck straight down the driveway.  It took sometime, but we did it.  then we unstuck the van that got stuck on Tuesday night and parked that.  So dogs not getting out, driveway not blocked, and a running vehicle.  Satisfying.  But wait that's not all.  My night is just beginning.

I have to bring Calli to dress rehearsal.  Tin & Spencer come with me, as does Kit.  I drop Tin & Spence at a friend's and take a daughter who is also in the play.  I drop those 2 off and go to my meeting.  We are all a little late, but we are there.  I finish my meeting, I actually end up leaving early.  Its Calli's dress rehearsal and with the baby I don't know that I'll get to see the show.  We were invited to watch the dress rehearsal so I really wanted to be there.  I picked up the boys, bought them Mc Donalds, and went to the theatre.  The parking lot was packed.  I was lucky to find a spot at all.   We finally get into the auditorium. There are about 15 other people there.  I thought Kit would be my issue, but no.  It was crazy little Tin who was all wound up and should be getting ready for bed.  This seat, no this seat, where's Calli?  Why isn't Calli on stage?  Lets go find Calli.  Then Kit discovers she really doesn't like the dark.  We step out of the theatre she is fine, we step in she starts crying.  Tin continues to be a nut.  I even bribe him with ice cream. I did get to see her as "Want".  She was great.  Finally I get Kit to sleep.  Which in some ways isn't better because Tin decides he can take advantage of my less mobile state.  But he finally gets a clue and stays put.  The play ends and its Notes time from the director.  For a kid that has already been there too long, it was just too much more.  Finally we can leave. And much to Tintin's dismay no ice cream.

At this point I just want to crash.  I have had enough.  I am in bed by 10pm, its now 11.  As a friend would say, put a fork in me, I'm done.  But we have company, and while I am truly happy to see teh company I am not feeling so social.  I definitely let my antisocial feelings be known.  Not intentioanlly.  Colin came to me and told me I wasn't being very nice.  He said it respectfully but with earnest.  Honestly I wasn't feeling so nice but I didn't realize it was coming through so clearly.  I wasn't saying anything or even doing anything.  Mostly I was trying to hide.  But he was right sometimes even teh things we don't do or say can be not nice.  I need to work on being friendly and nice even when I don't feel so friendly or nice.  And it wasn't personal to anyone, I just  had nothing left.  I appreciate that Colin was able to communicate with me.  I'm sorry I had already been a downer to everyone else by the time I got the message.  But today is a new day.  And it will be a better day.